


Could Have Been

by karkatsthong, youreyestheyglow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Jean's death, M/M, could've-been-erejean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 21:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1402513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karkatsthong/pseuds/karkatsthong, https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreyestheyglow/pseuds/youreyestheyglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean's dying and Eren's the only one around to comfort him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Could Have Been

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry

The wind bites at your cheeks, whipping your hair back and tearing the breath from your lungs. God, you love this feeling. You dig your heel into the air and feel yourself lifted up, weightless for the briefest amount of time, the wires from your gear the lifelines you cling onto so dearly.

Something moves in your peripheral vision. Your arms reach out to stop yourself.

It happens in a flash.

You’ve seen it happen an incredible amount of times. You’ve seen the results. But there’s a huge difference when you have a first person view.

Oh.

_Oh._

The straps dig into your chest. The very thing that is supposed to keep you safe in this world is now suffocating you, and the irony leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.

Sounds of distant screams fill your ears. It doesn’t take you long to figure out that they’re yours. A certain numbness hovers over the left side of your body. Crimson blood pools at your feet, and you smile because it’s the only color that has yet to be drained from your sight. God, you really screwed up this time.

“ _Jean!_ _”_

Your heart flutters, if it’s still even there. Muffled footsteps approach rapidly, and before you can look up there’s your whole world, staring back at you.

You lied about the colors. His eyes, a mix of blue, green, and gold, stand out bright against the monochrome landscape. Sort of a shame there’s tears fogging them up. 

“No, no, no – Jean – _dammit_ –”

“I – is it bad?” Damn, you’ve never heard your voice sound so far away.

Eren Jaeger hovers over you like he knows you don’t feel like moving your head. “Jean, you – you –”

Aw, the idiot’s getting choked up. “I know.” You pull in a deep breath, but it makes the world spin a little. Or maybe that’s just the blood loss. “I can feel it. You don’t have to say.”

You feel something warm on your hand, and – is that his hand? He’s holding your hand, that’s cute. His other hand flies to his face, forcibly wiping away tears.

“Overemotional to the last minute,” you chuckle. Or. Try to. You don’t think it comes out properly. If it comes out at all. You can’t really tell, anymore.

He snorts. “An asshole to the very end.” He says it, but he doesn’t move or even stop holding your hand. You’d like to thank him for that, but you’re not the type to get deep, so maybe not. Instead, a comeback pops into your mind. Probably for the last time.

It takes a minute, but you work up the energy. “An asshole? Not a horse?”

He chokes. Probably supposed to be a laugh. “Always a horse, that goes without saying.”

You ignore the way your vision is blurring around the edges. You’re gonna ignore it forever. You can do that much. “Neigh,” you say softly.

That actually gets a twisted smile from him.

Good. You’re glad you get to see his smile one more time. He might be an asshat, but when he smiled, it was nice. Even if this smile is a little fucked up.

He pushes the hair off your forehead.

“Gross. I’m probably all sweaty.” Gross. Your voice is all quiet and whispery and weird.

He shakes his head violently. “Never gross. Never.”

You can’t feel most of your body. You can feel your heart racing. This is it. This is it, this is it, this is it, your vision is blurring so badly you can barely see Eren anymore and you can’t tell if it’s because you’re dying or crying, but it’s probably both. You’re never going to see the world again, never going to see _your_ world again. Never going to see the world in the first place. Never going to see Eren again. He’s right in front of you and you can’t see him, you can’t see his stupid eyes and his stupid pointy chin and his stupid messy hair and none of it was stupid, none of it. “Eren?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you do me a favor?” Fuck, you’d better ask quick, you’re having a hard time moving your mouth.

“Yeah. Anything. Name it.”

“Can you tell me I didn’t fuck everything up?” Thank god you’re dying, or you’d almost say your voice was choked up because you’re crying. “Just. Just say that. Please.”

You hear him snort – no, sniffle. He’s not laughing at you, he’s crying. Damnit, he has to be able to say this, and fast. God, what if he can’t? What if you were such an asshole he can’t say it?

“Jean, you never fucked anything up. You were the best leader we could’ve had. Ever. Hands down. Even Armin couldn’t get people to do things like you did.”

You feel a weight lift off your chest. Maybe you’re just losing a lot of blood.

“Jean?”

You can’t. You can’t say things anymore. You can’t say Eren’s name anymore, not even once. Never again. “Mm?”

You hear a choked sob before something – that’s his mouth, that’s his mouth – presses against your lips. He stays there for a moment as you lose feeling in your face. “Jean, you didn’t fuck up anything. Ever.”

You have to do something, you have to acknowledge that, he kissed you, Eren Jaeger kissed you and you could’ve kissed him before and maybe you could’ve held his hand before now too, and you can’t even smile at him, can’t even feel your lips anymore, _fuck_ you can’t feel anything oh god, you don’t want to die, you’ve never wanted to die.

You don’t want to go. 


End file.
